Where it all began II

Continued from this post. Start there!

Throughout the whole of last year, we've had growing tension with one of my husband's cousins. His family are mainly MO (more or less), but she married a man who wanted to be UO. She went along with it, they did the kollel shtick for a while. Before my wedding she tried to convince me to read a book on marriage whose starting message was: "Show your love to your husband by cleaning the house, cooking a gourmet dinner, and changing out of your housecoat and putting on make-up before he gets home." Despite this I did get on well with her for a while. But gradually it began to unravel, at least on our end. It just became more and more apparent to us how much their world view is at odds with ours.

It started with more general things: we don't like their parenting style; they're very permissive and their oldest child is bratty and bullies the younger ones, but they don't discipline her. We were neighbors and she would always want to borrow things, ask us to mind the kids, and so on. We'd complain about her to each other and gradually it became more and more about religion. We realized that we both didn't like how she tried to impose her views on everyone -- almost as if that would convince her of them, because I don't believe she is convinced. She really looks down on the more open upbringing that most of the extended family is giving their children, and she makes it clear to everyone. She tries to teach middot to some of the younger cousins, stops them watching TV, things like that.

So, who cares if we have a fundy cousin? It's annoying, but so what?

Well, one thing leads to another. Here's an analogy. (Funny, I hate hearing analogies but like giving them.) When you crochet a kippah (or anything) you need to double back the last few stitches to secure it. Otherwise, the whole thing can unravel. In conversation, that's what happened to my husband and I. We picked on his cousin. We picked on her lifestyle, ultra-orthodoxy in general, some of her chumras. We started on halacha and realised how bogus and random some things are. And so it all fell apart. Maybe that's why lashon hara is an aveira.

In short, I think that a combination of factors got us talking about these issues. Some of it was Daat Emet, some of it was various occurences in our lives, and some of it was just us getting talking. We talk about everything and we're pretty honest with each other. So it never occurred to me hide my doubts. When I started this blog and told him where I'm at, I think I heard a sigh of relief -- relief that we're on the same page. Because it would be so much worse if we weren't. We've just started a family. We have everything in front of us. So, if nothing else, we're in it together.