Why?

Sometimes I wonder why I even care whether I believe or not. If I don't, then so what? I should just drop everything, particularly the things that really rankle (kosher, niddah, covering my hair).

What is it that's keeping me in this antiquated world?

Part of it is family. I don't want to disappoint them. I'm in a great space with my parents right now and it's taken me a long time to get there. I think I've already pushed the boundaries of heresy with them. It's great that I can joke around with my mother about the Rebbe being Mashiach. And that she's accepted that I wear pants and short sleeves. I don't know how she'd take my current mindset.

Part of it is an underlying commitment to Modern Orthodoxy, even if I don't believe in it. I think that the underlying principle of Torah im Derech Eretz is a good one. (I'm just less and less sure about the Torah part.) And I've spent so long defending MO, I don't want to let it down. It's almost as though it would be a triumph of UO. They could say, "You see what happens when you go to university and study science and mix with the goyim? Better to stay in the shtetl." Regardless of where I end up, I'll never agree with that. Besides, I don't think that it's science that's made me start doubting.

I also feel like it would be a chilul Hashem, somehow, to suddenly stop practicing Judaism. I can't imagine how I'd explain that to my work colleagues. It's hard enough for them to get their heads around the difference between me and another guy at work, who's Jewish and very culturally affiliated, but atheist.

But there's still the part of me that isn't sure that this religion is wrong. I know it's not perfect and I know it's changed over time a lot, in spite of the fact that it's not meant to. But I still don't buy the Documentary Hypothesis any more than I buy the Revelation at Sinai. I need to do more research. My journey is far from over. I have a strong emotional connection to much of my religion, but I just hope I can approach it with intellectual honesty. After all, I can keep doing whatever I like, even if I don't believe. The jblogosphere has taught me that much at least: if I continue with orthopraxis solely, I won't be alone.