I got an email from one of my rabanim from yeshiva today. Not "my" rav, but one I liked very much. It was just a short note, but it really took me back to those days. I took TMS for granted then. I was cementing my MO philosophy (which isn't what I grew up with) and learning, filing away details and processes and putting the halachic system together in my head. I loved it. And I felt like I could ask the rabanim anything. I was innocent. I didn't have any difficult questions to ask. My toughest questions were "Can I wear pants?" and "Will I need a hatarat nedarim to stop keeping chalav Yisrael?"
On a good day, I'm confident in my skepticism and I know it's the right move. But on a day like today, when I'm tired after work and agnosticism isn't very comforting, I wish I could email my rav, or better yet, call him, and tell him what's been on my mind. Of course, I also wish that he had all the answers to my questions. That's when I remember that there are no answers, so there's no point.
It's a pretty depressing train of thought. Maybe, though, I'm not really looking for answers. Maybe what I'm looking for is mentorship, which is something I haven't really had since those days. Maybe I should email Richard Dawkins.
The truth is, though, I'm done with having people tell me what to think. So even though I might want a mentor, I don't need one. I have to grow up and go it alone.*
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* Of course, I can cheat and soundboard off TO, but we're at the same stage, so that's not the same as mentorship.
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